Dr. Orna Guralnik’s Insights on Strengthening Relationships
Dr. Orna Guralnik, a clinical psychologist based in New York City, has a unique perspective on the challenges couples face today. As the therapist featured in the popular docuseries Couples Therapy, she guides partners through communication issues, unresolved childhood traumas, and sexual disconnection in real-time.
The Power of Learning from Your Partner
Guralnik has been praised for her ability to perceive the underlying dynamics between couples and her skill in helping them embrace new narratives about themselves and their relationships. Since the show’s debut in 2019, she has received countless emails from people around the world seeking her advice on the essential foundations of successful relationships.
One of her key insights is that in a world increasingly focused on self-protection, people often overlook the importance of working with and learning from their partners. She emphasizes that couples should ask one critical question more frequently: “What can I learn about my partner?”
Guralnik, who was recently named the chief clinical officer of a relationship therapy platform, explains, “There’s too much emphasis nowadays on a kind of solipsistic, self-absorbed way of approaching the world. We see that between couples. My attitude is, it’s exactly the opposite thing we need. We need to listen better, not argue better for our own needs.”
The Importance of Understanding Over Convincing
People often focus on trying to convince their partner of their perspective, feelings, or interpretation of an event. While feeling understood is important, Guralnik points out that getting your point across is not the most crucial thing in the world.
Instead, letting go of the sole intention of feeling validated encourages both parties to listen and understand each other better. “When people are utterly invested in convincing their partner or asking their partner to understand them, if that’s their sole focus, it’s not going to go well,” she says. “If people can invest real energy in trying to understand their partner more than trying to convince their partner to understand them, it’s a game changer.”
Creating a Space for Mutual Understanding
This approach aligns with research from the Gottman Institute, which has studied tens of thousands of couples over decades. They found that successful conversations in relationships are fostered when both partners are eager to learn about each other and are genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. An inability to turn toward your partner and be inquisitive when they express an interest or need is a strong predictor of divorce. “Create an environment where there’s room for both people,” Guralnik advises.
It’s also important to recognize that crafting your response before the other person is done talking can lead to a spiral of communication focused solely on feeling validated. Instead, the goal should be to learn and grow together.
“Nothing’s going to happen to you if you pay attention to someone else. You’re not going to disappear. You’re not going to be rolled over,” Guralnik says. “You can always go back to yourself. Surprise yourself and challenge yourself to care about something new.”
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